The Biggest Loser is getting smaller by the day
04/30/08 - Here’s a quiz: if you weighed north of 400 pounds, and were given free room and board and helped to drop 100 pounds, what would you do?
We deserve a break today – be kind to your workmates
04/23/08 - For years, scientists have studied the effects of overcrowding by using lab rats. They cram lots of them into too-small spaces, crack a few brewskis and wait to see what happens.
What happens isn’t pretty.
On your marks, get set …
04/09/08 - Back in the 1950s, Billy Ward and His Dominoes had a minor hit with the song, “60 Minute Man.” But if this latest research is correct, Ward may have been padding his time sheet when he boasted about the time he spends between the sheets.
Crime + stupidity = not a good idea
03/26/08 - We’ve all heard the truism that crime doesn’t pay. I think there are probably lots of crooks who would argue that point with you – if they weren’t skiing in Switzerland, or yachting in the Mediterranean, or deciding what they’ll do when they leave the White House.
The shocking truth about ‘Gilligan’s Island’
03/19/08 - I like to watch old sitcoms on TV – shows like “The Beverly Hilllbillies,” and “Green Acres.” They remind me of a simpler, more innocent age in America. Or at least they did until I read this story.
Report: dusting leads to lusting?
03/12/08 - Hey guys – forget the flowers, chuck the chocolates, and ditch the diamonds – if you want more lovin,’ just get into that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans.
Don’t be late to the party – remember to reset your clocks
03/05/08 - Every year, when we switch from Standard Time to Daylight Saving Time (DST), we change the time on our clocks by one hour. Or that’s the idea, anyway – what really happens is that we don’t, and then we walk around for a day or two half asleep and repeatedly checking our watches.
What’s Mandarin for ‘Just say no to drugs?’
02/27/08 - If you think you’re any safer because the federal government is watching out for you, you’d better stop reading now. This one’s going to hit harder than the news about the Easter bunny.
Happy Leap Year – enjoy your extra Friday!
02/13/08 - Sometimes, I like to use this space for educational purposes. However, this is not the case this week so feel free to continue reading, secure in the knowledge that you will be no smarter when you finish than you were when you began.
These skies a little too friendly
02/06/08 - Forget hijackings, shoe bombers and even airplane bathrooms – the truly terrifying news from the world of air travel is that a German tourist firm will soon allow tourists to fly naked.
WWJP (Where would Jesus park?)
01/30/08 - Well, once again, an Austin church has made the news – and once again, it ain’t pretty.
Lawmakers: crazy, or just nuts?
01/23/08 - Just about the time you think lawmakers – at both the state and federal levels – have reached a new low in ways to avoid doing any real work, some legislator digs deep and comes up with an even bigger waste of time.
Close encounters of the Stephenville kind
01/16/08 - I hope the folks who are looking into steroid abuse in pro sports don’t get wind of what’s happening in the little town of Stephenville; if they do, they’ll probably want the entire town to pee into a jar.
When ‘all-you-can-eat’ means ‘all-I-say-you-can-eat’
01/09/08 - If you follow the news, you know that obesity and its attendant maladies are at near epidemic levels in this country. We eat the wrong stuff, we eat way too much of it, and the only exercise a lot of us get is when we waddle to the kitchen for another snack.
Around the world – with Christmas!
12/14/07 - Lots of countries celebrate Christmas, but not all of them mark the holiday in the same ways we do. Here are some of the more unusual Christmas customs.
Easy tips help you ‘eat smart’ during the holidays
12/07/07 - The holiday party season is in full swing, that means lots of opportunities to really blow all the hard work you’ve put into your diet during the previous 11 months. But if you will follow these tips, you can have fun and still avoid those extra calories.
Nowhere to hide from this fashion faux pas
11/30/07 - Fashion (or whatever it is you call the ugly clothes, haircuts, etc., that we subject ourselves to at any given time) is a funny thing. You never know what fad’s going be popular or how long it will stick around. Much like house guests, most fashions hang around too long (unlike house guests, however, they are unlikely to treat you to dinner).
Who would Jesus black-ball?
11/23/07 -If you had to name the most Christian place in Austin, I bet your first pick wouldn’t be a synagogue, would it?
Boomers, death and the final frontier
11/09/07 - Due to our sheer numbers (and our self-absorption) Baby Boomers have always been a huge influence on American culture. Faced with a group this big, this affluent and this self-indulgent, marketers have always found ways to give us what we want. This is true of clothes (yesterday it was bell bottoms, today it’s Dockers), of music (we’ve gone from the Herman’s Hermits to Sting; I leave it to you to decide if that’s progress or not) and just about anything else you can think of – and also of things that probably never crossed your mind.
Who knew? Some rockers only in it for the money
11/02/07 - I don’t mind telling you, I’m more than a little depressed about the state of popular music these days. I know what you’re probably thinking – people have been saying the same thing since Mozart went electric. But things have hit a new low.
Kid Rock: Kid? Yes; Rock? Not so much
10/26/07 - Like a lot of people my age – and that’s spelled o-l-d f-a-r-t-s – I think music has gone to hell. Elvis joined the Army, Yoko broke up the Beatles, and don’t even get me started on rap.
I’ll drink to that! Or, on second thought …
10/19/07 - Here’s a story you might have missed. Prosecutors in East Texas recently decided to drop negligent homicide charges against a Lake Jackson woman who had been accused of killing her husband back in 2004 with a sherry enema. While you’re meditating on the idea of a sherry enema, I’ll fill you in on some of the details.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it; and if it is, call someone else
10/12/07 - My wife doesn’t call me “Mr. Fix-It” for nothing. In fact, she doesn’t call me at all. After a recent home-repair debacle, when something breaks she cuts straight to the chase and calls someone who actually knows what he’s doing.
Truth is stranger than fiction – funnier, too
10/05/07 - Who needs cable when you have the newspaper? Just a cursory glance offers more entertainment than a season’s worth of “Everybody Loves Raymond,” or even listening to Bush trying to pronounce multi-syllabic words (note to George: the Iranian president’s name is not “I’madinnerjacket”).
Don’t call me, I’ll call you – but not on a cell phone
09/28/07 - Cell phones are in the news – again. The results of a recent study suggest that extensive mobile phone use may cause a slowing of cerebral activity. For you hard-core users, let me repeat: cell … phone … hurt … brain.
Just say ‘no’ to crack – pull up your pants
09/21/07 - Sometimes, it seems like all the news you hear is bad. Global warming, war in the Middle East, a new Kelsey Grammer sitcom – it appears to never end. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, a real problem comes along.
Shiver me timbers – it’s time to talk like a pirate!
09/14/07 - Sept. 19, as you probably already know, is Talk Like a Pirate Day. This holiday got its start in 1995 when two guys were goofing around on the racquetball court and started to talk to each other like buccaneers. Example: “Avast, ye son of a sea biscuit – belay the bilge water and serve the ball, yarr, afore I give ye a taste o’ cold steel, yarr.” (Apparently, union rules require pirates to say “yarr” a lot).
Warning: public bathrooms may be dangerous to your political health
09/07/07 - I read somewhere that the bathroom is the most dangerous room in your house. For some randy Republicans, however, bathrooms – especially the ones outside their own homes – are the real killers.
All the news that makes you go ‘ooh – dang!’
08/31/07- The news is a funny thing. Sometimes it seems to follow a theme; like, for days all you’ll hear about is movie stars behaving badly. Then there will be a rash of stories about animals doing wacky things like learning to drive a car, or sabotaging their NFL careers. And then you have weeks like last week – weeks that make you say, ”Ooh – dang!” Especially if you’re a guy.
I’m looking east; why is my body going south?
08/24/07 - Like a lot of people my age (my true fans know how old I am, but for those of you who are not my mother, I’m 52) I’m starting to feel my age. I may not be able to feel my hands or my feet, but I sure feel my age.
FBI takes walk on wild side, revisits drug use
policy
08/17/07 - The FBI exists in a different time zone than the rest of the country; for instance, when it’s 8 o’clock here, it’s 1954 at the FBI. But it looks like the Bureau has taken a bold leap into the 21st century and I bet that if ol’ J. Edgar were alive to see it, he’d have his panties in a great, big twist for sure.
‘Press ‘1’ for tech support’ and other fairy tales
08/10/07 - Back in the days before everyone had a computer, you used to see this poster in offices that read, “To err is human; to really screw things up takes a computer.”
But these days, with computers being much more reliable and easier to use, that poster probably should be amended to say, “To really make a hash of things, call tech support.”
Japanese politician brings new twist to campaign
07/27/07 - Japanese are often held up as Americans’ polar opposites. They’re introverted and reserved; we’re bold and brash. They cherish conformity; we worship the individual. They gave the world haiku; we gave it “Wassup?”
Company takes a shot at making fashion statement
07/20/07 - Man, I could kick myself. Last weekend, I figure I took a couple of thousand bucks worth of clothes to the Goodwill. If I had read about Attus Apparel a week earlier, I might be a rich man today.
Smile, loser – you’re on candid camera
07/13/07- Get a pen and paper because you’ll want to write this down. Ready? Here it is: England and New York are very different.
New Mexico: Land of Enchantment (and then some)
07/06/07 - Don’t be surprised if New Mexico starts to issue employees tie-dyed t-shirts, ID badges that glow under blacklight, and converts its state motor vehicle fleet to a batch of DayGlo 1972 Volkswagen microbuses powered by cannabis-seed bio-diesel.
I have seen the future – it’s wearing Spandex, and it ain’t pretty
06/29/07- I have seen the gym of the future – you may now gouge out my eyes. Please.
What's Arabic for 'Pull my finger?'
06/22/07- I read about some of the stuff the government spends money on – our money, let me remind you - and I think the feds could not possibly play any faster or looser with our taxes. Whether it's buying thousand-dollar toilet seats for the space shuttle, or building a stairway to heaven (OK, so that was Led Zeppelin, but you had to stop and think, didn't you?) the government throws money around like a drunken UT freshman with daddy's AmEx card.
Dutch coffeeshops going to pot – just not the way you expected
06/15/07- If you’ve been reading the news from Europe, you know things in Holland are going to pot – and not in the way you’d expect.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step in getting better
06/08/07- OK, this is it, I promise. This is the last time I’m going to bust on Paris Hilton. After this one, I’m finding a sponsor, I’m getting into a 12-step program, and I’m going to start going to meetings.
Hi. My name is Jeff, and I’m addicted to making fun of Paris Hilton.
Like it or not, he'll always have Paris
05/25/07- As Humphrey Bogart told Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca, "We'll always have Paris." Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer can say the same thing - he's the guy who recently sentenced celebutante and drunk driver Paris Hilton to a short stint in the L.A. County lockup.
Aging baby boomers bring new wrinkle to nudism
05/18/07- I have sort of a morning routine - a cup of coffee, a slice of toast, and a quick look at the newspaper. After reading the paper Monday, however, I'm going to have to give up either the reading or the eating, because I can no longer do them both at the same time. Not if the paper is going to run stories like this one.
The week in review: thank god that's over
05/11/07- There's lots to catch up in the news, so let's get cracking, shall we?
England: It's like a whole other country
04/27/07- I just got back from a two-week trip to England and the Netherlands. Although I love Texas, it's nice to get away, to step back from the things you take for granted and see how other people do things. A couple of weeks away from American television doesn't hurt, either.
Everything you ever wanted to know about socks (but were afraid to ask)
03/30/07- Henry David Thoreau, one of the American Transcendentalist authors, once wrote, “Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.” Good thing ol’ Hank had a steady gig as a writer (not to mention a generous family) because, with that sort of attitude, he would have made a lousy marketer.
Breathe deep and smell the Austin
03/23/07- Anyone who’s spent much time in Austin knows the city’s unofficial slogan, “Keep Austin Weird.” You see this slogan everywhere – on t-shirts, on bumper stickers, even baby clothes. I fully expect (note that I said I expect, not hope) to one day see it tattooed on the freckled nether cheeks of Leslie, Austin’s tiara-wearing, be-thonged, homeless transvestite.
Please pass me my glasses so I can read the writing on the wall
03/16/07- Although it definitely beats all the alternatives, getting older kind of sucks. I don’t really dwell on it, but occasionally something slaps me in the face and emphasizes how much times – and I – have changed.
Dutch gym explores new wrinkle in physical fitness
03/09/07- You know, there are some things you just don’t want to see. And then there are things you don’t even want described to you. And then there’s naked old men working out.
If nominated, I wlll not run; if elected, I (probably) will not serve
03/02/07- Once again, a professional politician has beaten me to the punch. Tom Vilsack announced Friday that he is abandoning his bid for the presidency.
I had planned to use this space this week to announce that I, too, was giving up my bid for residency at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. But the former governor of Iowa has stolen my thunder by being the first to bow out.
The unkindest cut? Don’t bet on it
02/23/07- In his play Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare calls the fatal wound dealt to Caesar by his friend, Brutus, “the unkindest cut.” It’s obvious to me, and probably to lots of other men, that old Bill never had a vasectomy.
If that’s a bikini, this must be February
02/16/07- I hate shopping for clothes. One reason is that my timing is all off. I can’t get used to the fact that by the time cold weather rolls around, winter clothing is as hard to find as decent breakfast taco in North Austin.
If you need me, I’ll be sitting with the sherpas
02/09/07- When you book a hotel room, you pay less for a view of the dumpsters than you do for a view of the ocean, right? And when you buy a house, its costs less for the one in BFE than for the one that’s close in, correct? And if you want a ticket to Austin’s Paramount Theatre, you’ll save money if you buy a seat in the nosebleed section instead of one from which you can actually see the stage, right?
I’m from the government and I’m here to help you – honest!
02/02/07- My wife and I are going to England this spring for a friend’s wedding. As you know, anyone leaving or entering the country now has to have a passport. My old passport expired about the time the BeeGees had their last hit, so I had to have it renewed.
As
long as I have Adam Sandler, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
01/26/07- Alarmed by news reports of last
week's impending ice storm, my wife
and I spent several days holed up at home, reading,
snoozing, and getting on each other’s nerves.
The
French they are a curious race; learning manners is no disgrace
01/19/07 -
According to an article I read the other day, chic French diners eat
asparagus with their fingers and sorbet with their forks. This reminds
me of a bit of doggerel about the French, in which they are said to”
fight with their feet,” among other endearing habits. But I digress.
Forget
chestnuts roasting on an open fire; pass me the Chex mix
01/12/07- If
you’ve ever seen me in a t-shirt, it will come to no surprise to you to
learn that I spend 11 months of the year working out – and by “working
out,” I mean sitting on the sofa slamming chocolate chip cookies and
washing them down with Gatorade.
Have
it your way? No way!
12/29/06 -
Someone – Napoleon, maybe – once said that an army travels on its
stomach. That seems like a terribly inefficient way to get around, not
to mention rough on uniforms. But what he meant was traveling on an
empty stomach is no fun. Someone else – me, maybe – said that a decent
meal can make even the longest trip at least tolerable.
World
going to the dogs; dogs say ‘no, thanks’
12/22/06 -
Sometimes, it seems like the world is divided into two groups: the
first group does something that offends the second group, and then the
second group complains about the first group. Actually, there’s a third
group, too: those of use who sit back and try to figure out why groups
one and two have so much spare time on their hands, and so little to do
with it.
Nothing
says ‘happy holidays’ like a reindeer hot dog
12/15/06 -
Everybody knows that old classic Christmas poem, “A Visit from Saint
Nick.” It’s the one that includes the line “On Comet! On Cupid! On
Donder and Blitzen!” Well, this year, thanks to Fred Markoff, you could
add “On whole wheat or rye?”
NASA
to open first lunar RV park?
12/08/06 - NASA made a couple of pretty surprising
announcements this week; number one, they say the United States is
going to the Moon again. Announcement number two was an even bigger
zinger: not only are we going – cancel the paper and stop the mail
because we’re staying!
Note
to John Kerry: Don’t quit your day job
12/01/06 - If
John Kerry is seriously considering running for president again in
2008, a “likability” poll released Monday does not bode well for his
chances of winning. The poll asked respondents to rate 20
political figures on a "feeling thermometer." Looking at Kerry’s
ratings, I think they were using a rectal thermometer.
Those
caps are called ‘toques.’ Coincidence, or something more?
11/24/06 -
You know those knits caps they wear in Canada? Well, that cap is called
a “toque,” which is pronounced “toke.” I used to think that was just a
funny coincidence, but after reading this week’s top story, I gotta
wonder.
So,
you think a burrito is a sandwich? Tell it to the judge
11/17/06 -
It’s funny the things we take for granted; some stuff that we think is
just plain obvious is not so obvious to others. For instance, if
someone were to ask you if a burrito is a sandwich, you’d probably say
“No, it’s a burrito.” Of course, if someone were to ask me if a burrito
is a sandwich, I’d say “No, it’s a burrito, you idiot – that’s why it’s
called a burrito and not a sandwich.” Not surprisingly, people don’t
ask me a lot of questions. Not twice, anyway.
Note
to 60
million obese Chinese: Get off the sofa and take a wok
11/10/06 -
That old saying about fat people – “He has more chins than a Chinese
phonebook” – takes on new meaning with the recent release of a report
that says 60 million Chinese are obese.
Good news for old,
fat mice
11/03/06 -
Medical researchers have very good news for you – if you long to be a
fat, old mouse.
Do something dumb
and hurt yourself? Sue someone!
09/08/06 -
How are your powers of logic? To find out, take this short quiz. Here's
the setup: it's 1:30 in the morning, you've had a couple of beers,
you're walking around in the dark outside your hotel and talking on you
cell phone when – whoops! – you fall off a cliff. Question: whose
fault is it?
Al
Qaeda chooses Zarqawi successor; Abu Hamza al-Muhajir draws short
straw, demands recount
06/13/06 - Al
Qaeda has
named Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir as successor to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi,
who was killed in a massive air strike last week. "Al Qaeda has
unanimously agreed on Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, to be a successor to
Sheikh Abu Musab al-Zarqawi," said a statement posted on MyJihad.com.
From
earwax to air travel, a little
something for everyone
02/03/06 -
For all of you who follow the latest in earwax research, the big news
comes from Japan.
Vampire
politico has a lot at stake
01/27/06 -
When it comes to politicians it seems like all you hear about is
corruption, deception, and sleaze – and that’s the good news.
Soccer
players have leather balls (most of ‘em, anyway)
12/09/05 - This time of year, it is only natural for us to reflect on our
blessings and give thanks. After reading this bit of news from Wales,
I'm giving thanks that I'm not Welsh, that I'm not a soccer fan, and
perhaps more than anything, that I'm not crazy.
Houston,
we have a problem
11/11/05 - If
you're a convicted double murderer and are planning to bust out of
jail, take this tip from Charles Victor Thompson: don't drink and flee.
I’ll
have a muffin – but hold the sprinkles
10/28/05 - If
you live in Dallas and you've been thinking about going on the
low-carbohydrate Atkin's diet, you may have waited too long.
Good news! Britney takes break from
music to concentrate on mommy-hood
10/23/05 - The big news this week comes
from the world of entertainment. Britney Spears is a new mommy!
Men of this
caliber hard to find
09/07/05 - Here's a story about getting
dope across the border – one dope at a time
Don’t
get caught with your pants
down – order
Bill’s CD today
08/19/05 -
Attention fellow music lovers! This week’s big news comes out of
Arkansas – former president Bill Clinton is getting his
own CD.
Procedure is nature's way of saying, 'Dude, you're old'
08/19/05 -
There are lots of signs that tell you you’re getting older. Gray hair is one of them; mailings from the AARP are another. But nothing says "Dude, you're old" like your first colonoscopy.
Safety
tip of the week: Hang up and drive!
07/22/05 -
Showing an astounding grasp of what millions of people have known for
years, a study released Tuesday shows that people who yak on their cell
phones while driving are more likely to have an accident.
Mickey D's a cool place to hang out? Gimme a break!
07/15/05 -
Man, the good folks at the world's favorite burger chain have got their work cut out for them
Hoping that some new threads will make the burger giant look like a hip place to work and hang out, McDonald's is spiffing up its uniforms.
Determined to get fit – even if it kills me
07/08/05 -
In a vain effort (and by vain, I mean both "a total waste of time" as well as "driven by an enormous ego") to stave off old age, I have begun a rigorous regimen of diet, exercise and sucking in my gut.
Who
knew? Saddam a junk food junkie, clean freak
06/24/05 -
File this one under" who'da guessed it?" Turns out that Saddam Hussein
is a real person. A mass murderer, sure, and crazy as a fruit bat. But
underneath it all, he's just a regular Joe.
Court to Jackson:
"Beat it!"
06/24/05 -
Well, I guess we can all breath a little easier now. Bombs rock Iraq
daily, there's genocide in the Sudan, but Michael Jackson is now a free
man.
Help
this kid out – give him the finger
05/13/05 -
There's something funny about this story out of North Carolina but I
can't put my finger on it. And neither can Brandon Fizer.
Fun,
travel and adventure on Texas’ Gulf Coast
04/08/05 - I
recently returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast (slogan: “Come for the
tarballs, stay for the medical waste!”) with my wife. She’s writing a
book on historic hotels of Texas, and the object of this trip was
research. “Research” is, of course, Latin for “tax-deductible.
Another
bird-brained idea from Oklahoma
02/04/05 - In
Texas, we like to brag that "we're like a whole other country." Our neighbor to the north has gone a step
further – it's like a whole 'nother planet. A planet with too little
oxygen in its atmosphere.
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