Court to Jackson: "Beat it"
June 24, 2005

Well, I guess we can all breath a little easier now. Bombs rock Iraq daily, there's genocide in the Sudan, but Michael Jackson is now a free man.

After 14 weeks of idle speculation lurid testimony, and dancing on SUVs, Jackson walked out of the Santa Maria, Calif., courtroom and hightailed it back to Neverland.

Jackson's acquittal was the cause of much jubilation among the pop star's fans and much embarrassment for the district attorney's office. Actually, "embarrassment" is not nearly a strong enough word. "Embarrassment" is what you feel when you lock your keys in the car. Failing to win a case against Michael Jackson -- a publicist’s nightmare and one of the biggest freaks on the face of the earth -- falls under the heading of "abject humiliation." If he were a samurai, the DA would be falling on his sword right about now. And if he were a college football coach, he'd be in some real trouble.

Following the verdict, everyone connected with the case except the man himself had something to say. In the "How Disconnected Do You Have to Be to Not Get This" category, Jackson's lawyer said his client would no longer share his bed with little boys. I don't know about you but I wouldn't need 10 felony charges to let me know that sleeping with little boys is not a good idea.

Never at a loss for words, no matter how nonsensical, Jackson's brother Jermaine said, "It takes one person to tell the truth, but it takes many to concoct a lie," illustrating once again why Michael is a multi-millionaire songwriter and Jermaine is a punch line.

Outside the courthouse, fans rejoiced. One woman released one white dove for each count of which Jackson was acquitted. Just in case he was convicted, she also had on hand a recipe for dove potpie.

Another fan said, "It's a victory – God is alive and well." God could not be reached for comment.

In the end, though, the real triumph here was for the American judicial system. Twelve ordinary people looked at the evidence, listened to the testimony and decided – all weirdness aside – that Jackson was not guilty of the charges leveled against him. In one of the most reassuring moments of the trial, one juror said, "Even though he is a superstar, he is a human." juror eight said. "Seeing him throughout the trial, he is a normal person. It made him real in my eyes."

That tells me that if there's hope for Michael Jackson, there's hope for all of us.