Who knew? Saddam a junk food junkie, clean freak
July 1, 2005

File this one under "who'da guessed it?" Turns out that Saddam Hussein is a real person. A mass murderer, sure, and crazy as a fruit bat. But underneath it all, he's just a regular Joe.

In the latest edition of "GQ" magazine, five Pennsylvania National Guardsmen talk about the Hussein they came to know during the 10 months they spent on his guard detail.

Hussein was full of surprises. Turns out the deposed tyrant loves Doritos; hey, who doesn't? (Note to Frito-Lay: Jay Leno won't be around forever so when you’re looking for a new shill for your chips, ask yourselves this: Who has a higher profile than Saddam Hussein?)

One of the guards said Hussein could knock off a family size bag of Doritos in 10 minutes. If he puts up blacklight posters in his cell and starts listening to old Jefferson Airplane albums, his captors have said they will start urine-testing him.

He also hates Froot Loops. No surprise there – he always struck me as more of a Cap'n Crunch sort of megalomaniac. But if he wants to keep the slim, trim figure that has made him the envy of dictators around the world, he'd better watch those breakfast cereals – they're nothing but sugar and empty calories – and stick to the yogurt and fresh fruit.

Hussein also considers both presidents Bush "no good." In all fairness, they did invade his country, and that would make anyone a little testy. One invasion a despot could overlook, but two? C'mon, guys – it's starting to look like you're doing this on purpose.

Hussein also insists he is still president of Iraq. I'm no legal expert but he may have a point. Sure, he was chased out of his country and sure, he was discovered hiding in a little-bitty storm shelter. But does any of this mean he's not still the president? Was he formally stripped of his position? He's just lucky was president of such a backward country; over there, you can kill thousands of your citizens and count on staying stay in office. Over here, on the other hand, you can be impeached just for lying about a fling with an intern.

The five soldiers told GQ said Hussein conversed with them in rough English, was interested in their lives and even invited them back to Iraq when he returns to power. That should happen just about the same time that Rush Limbaugh invites Hillary Clinton to tea.

The soldiers also said Hussein was a "clean freak" who would wash after shaking hands and who used diaper wipes to clean his meal trays, utensils and table before eating. Makes you wonder if they were guarding Saddam Hussein or Felix Unger.

The story also said his captors freaked out when Saddam fell during his twice-a-week shower. One GI had to help Saddam back to his cell, while another carried his underwear. Wonder which soldier drew the short straw on that detail.