Determined to get fit – even if it kills me
July 8, 2005

In a vain effort (and by vain, I mean both "a total waste of time" as well as "driven by an enormous ego") to stave off old age, I have begun a rigorous regimen of diet, exercise and sucking in my gut.

Against my better judgment, and despite the fact there is seldom anyone chasing me, I run. I drag my unwilling body out of bed at 5 a.m. three times (OK, two times) a week to run (well, jog) three (full disclosure: maybe two) miles.

If you listen to runners long enough (personally, I've had my fill after about two minutes) you will hear them wax rhapsodic about the joys to be derived from running. They are lying. Much like beating your head against the wall, the only joy to be found in running is stopping.

You've seen people running; think about the expressions on their faces. Compare these with the facial expressions of people at a birthday party or a wedding. Are they in any way similar? No, they are not. In the latter two instances, the faces radiate joy and happiness. The faces of runners, on the other hand, radiate sweat and a longing to be struck dead  – and the sooner, the better.

Given a chance, runners will also blather on about what they call the "runner's high." According to them, this phenomenon is caused by the body releasing endorphins, or naturally occurring opiates. This explanation seems sound, as a person would have to be stoned to enjoy running.

Runners also talk about how running allows them to achieve a Zen-like calm. Scientifically speaking, this is known as oxygen deprivation. You can achieve the same effect without ever leaving the house with a dry-cleaner's bag and a roll of duct tape. You'll also save a bundle on shoes.

Some runners will liken the mental focus achieved while running to that obtained through meditation. I don't meditate but I can attest to the fact that, while running, my mind is focused – focused on how miserable I am, and how dearly I would love to sit down and smoke a cigarette. And I don't even smoke.

Running will definitely help you lose weight, though. After 30 minutes of running, I am usually too nauseated to do anything but collapse. I am also usually so exhausted that I crawl back into bed before I have had a chance to eat anything.

But my hard work is paying off. My blood pressure is down, my cholesterol is at an acceptable level, and my clothes fit better than ever. They ought to; I just bought an entire new wardrobe – two sizes larger than the old one.