Mickey D's a cool place to hang out? Gimme a break!
July 15, 2005

Man, the good folks at the world's favorite burger chain have got their work cut out for them

Hoping that some new threads will make the burger giant look like a hip place to work and hang out, McDonald's is spiffing up its uniforms.

All I can say is, good luck. I've never spent much time at McDonald's but I'm thinking that hallucinogenic drugs couldn't make the Golden Arches seem like a cool place to work, much less hang out. I look at it this way: if you're working, you're at least getting paid to be there. But if you’re just chillin' with your homeboys, you're doing it freelance.

This is not to say that McDonald's doesn't need a sartorial upgrade. Crews and managers now have a choice of four uniform designs; they come in red, white, blue and taupe, paired with black pants.

Red, white, blue and taupe paired with black pants? What is taupe? Those ensembles make corporate America's "Casual Friday" uniform of khakis and golf shirts look like Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Speaking of Snoop, a press release Tuesday said the burger chain might even look at hip-hop-inspired designs by the likes of Phat Farm, P. Diddy's Sean John clothes; American Eagle Outfitters; Abercrombie & Fitch; Fubu; Rocawear; or Tommy Hilfiger.

Does this mean customers can look forward to seeing a burger-slinger's drawers because his hip-hop inspired pants are down around his kneecaps? The mere thought is enough to make the most hard-core carnivore go vegetarian.

Bill Whitman, a spokesman for McDonald's, said, "We would be interested in talking to designers … who embody that 'forever young' lifestyle."

Somehow, the words "forever young" and "McDonald's" don't seem to go together. Sure, young people love Mickey D's but eating there is not exactly the road to perpetual youth. Perpetual obesity, maybe, or adult onset diabetes, perhaps. But youth? Not so much.

And I'm not sure that leaving fashion decisions up to middle-aged white guys is such a great idea if you're trying to appeal to the younger generation. When I think of middle-aged white guys, I don’t think cool styles; I think of pudgy dorks with their Hawaiian shirts tucked in to their Dockers, and fanny packs worn in front. And McDonald’s is counting on these guys to bring in the kids? Time to sell the McDonald’s stock.