Procedure is nature's way of saying, 'Dude, you're old'
Aug. 5, 2005

There are lots of signs that tell you you’re getting older. Gray hair is one of them; mailings from the AARP are another. But nothing says "Dude, you're old" like your first colonoscopy.

For those of you who don't know about this medical procedure, a little background is in order. First, "colon" is Latin for "poop chute." During a colonoscopy, a doctor (note: make sure yours is an MD and not, say, a chiropractor or tree surgeon) inserts a probe into a bodily orifice that is normally "exit only."

At the end of the probe is a tiny camera, which the doctor uses to search for things that don't belong there, like polyps, pre-cancerous growths, or Jimmy Hoffa. If the doctor finds anything suspicious-looking, he snips it away and sends it off to a pathology lab. Here, highly-trained medical technicians examine it thoroughly and then use it to play disgusting practical jokes on each other.

You may have heard horror stories about this procedure, such as having to drink gallons of vile-tasting laxative to "flush the pipes" before the doctor has a peek. You can avoid this ordeal by getting the hospital to show you the bill before the procedure; this will produce the same effect, but requires a change of pants.

My experience was brightened by a nurse who seemed to be working on material for a stand-up routine. She told me, "Your HMO won't pay for an enema so I'm going to have to slap it out of you."

In the end (pardon the pun), however, a colonoscopy is far worse to anticipate than to actually undergo. And if the doctor does find a pre-cancerous growth, the procedure could literally save your life. In my book, that's worth a little pain where I sit.