Vampire politico has a lot at stake
Jan. 27, 2006

When it comes to politicians it seems like all you hear about is corruption, deception, and sleaze – and that’s the good news. So when a politician comes along who’s not afraid to speak plainly, it’s refreshing.
           
Jonathon Sharkey is just such a politician. Sharkey, a self-professed satanic priest, announced last week that he was running for governor of Minnesota.

"I'm going to be totally open and honest," said the 41-year-old leader of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party. "Unlike other candidates, I'm not going to hide my evil side," he said.

Note to Sharkey: take a tip from Tom DeLay. He’s never tried to hide his evil side, either, and you can see where that got him.

That a professed Satanist would run for governor of Minnesota is not much of stretch, since the state is basically hell with snowplows. Anyone with $300 and nothing better to do with it can get on the ballot, and every year or so some nut decides to make a play for the statehouse.

Sharkey raises the bar, though. For one thing, he drinks blood. Also, his platform makes death-penalty advocates seem soft on crime, as it calls for impaling terrorists, rapists, and other criminals at the State Capital building. He did not mention lobbyists.

Sharkey said he was injured during a parachute jump with the Army in 1982 and receives veterans' disability benefits. He didn’t specify, but I’m guessing he landed on his head.

Sharkey has also said he’ll run for president in 2008. Maybe he thinks that, since George Bush can’t run again, the hell-spawn demographic is up for grabs.

Speaking of the undead, Dick Cheney was in the news again last week. Cheney was hospitalized briefly after suffering from shortness of breath. Doctors quickly determined that Cheney was retaining fluid as a result of a drug he had been taking for a foot problem.

Cheney spent about four hours in the hospital and by mid-afternoon was back at work tearing the wings off flies.

The foot problem had been causing Cheney to walk with a cane, and also affected his hobby of kicking small dogs.

The VP has suffered four heart attacks since 1978. Following repeated rounds of heart surgery, Cheney quit smoking and began taking medication to lower his cholesterol. He also modified his diet and today eats only organic, low-fat orphans.

Cheney has been diagnosed as having tendonitis that occasionally causes pain in his left heel. Aides did not say which medication the vice president had been taking for the pain, nor would they confirm that Cheney had been scoring from Rush "Superfly" Limbaugh.