Once again, a professional politician has beaten me to the punch. Tom Vilsack announced Friday that he is abandoning his bid for the presidency.

I had planned to use this space to announce that I, too, was giving up my bid for residency at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. But the former governor of Iowa has stolen my thunder by being the first to bow out.

Vilsack was the first Democrat to formally enter the 2008 race when he announced his candidacy in November. I was the first South Austinite to informally enter the race when I told a houseful of friends that my dog could do a better job than George W. Bush. My friends agreed but pointed out that my dog is not old enough to run for president, nor is she a citizen (unlike me, she is housebroken, but the Constitution doesn’t mention anything about pooping on the carpet). They also pointed out that there was already one bitch too many in this race.

Clearly, then, if anyone from my household was going to run for president, it would have to be me.

There were a couple of interesting parallels between our two short-lived candidacies. Vilsack faced a tough challenge from Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards — even in Vilsack's home state of Iowa. Likewise in my case; not only are these candidates more popular than me in my home state, they’re also more popular than me in my own house. My wife said she would vote for me under one condition, but I really don’t think monkeys can fly. And even if they could, I don’t think they’d fly out of there.

Another parallel was our stance on energy. Vilsack had a plan to end American dependence on foreign oil through alternative energy sources. Coincidentally, I had a plan to make bio-diesel from marijuana seeds. I figured that if I could get Willie Nelson as a cabinet member, we could not only end our dependence on foreign oil but we’d also have a surplus that we could sell to help balance the budget. I called my plan, “Killing Two Birds with One Stoner.”

As governor of Iowa, Vilsack increased spending on things like education, health care and higher wages. I have emphasized increased spending on the very same things. Cable television is educational, and the more channels you get, the more educational it is. Also, since getting plenty of rest is a factor in good health, I spent several hundred dollars on blackout blinds for our bedroom so that when I nap, my slumbers are uninterrupted by Mr. Sun. And as for higher wages, all I can say is, pole dancers have to eat, too, and a well-placed dollar bill is greatly appreciated.

In one of his campaign videos, Vilsack said: "I've never started a race that I've been expected to win, and I've never lost." Speaking for myself, I’ve never started a race that I expected to win, and I’ve never been disappointed. And I won’t be disappointed this time, either.