The news is a funny thing. Sometimes it seems to follow a theme; like, for days all you’ll hear about is movie stars behaving badly. Then there will be a rash of stories about animals doing wacky things like learning to drive a car, or sabotaging their NFL careers. And then you have weeks like last week – weeks that make you say, ”Ooo – dang!” Especially if you’re a guy.

The top story last week involved a dwarf, a vacuum cleaner and a trip to the emergency room. I probably don’t need to fill in the blanks for you but that’s my job. Better you hear it from me than from a reliable source.

Anyway, the dwarf in question is named Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf (or, to his mum, Daniel Blackner or, to his friends … well, let’s leave this one alone, shall we?) Dan’s 15 minutes of fame involve him getting his masculine appendage stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

This was no house-cleaning gone wrong; in fact, it was at least partially intentional – part of an act in Scotland’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Captain Dan’s act called for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus. But the special apparatus broke and Captain Dan, being a resourceful dwarf, mended it with Super Glue.

Sadly, “resourceful” and “literate” are two distinctly different traits, and instead of letting the glue set for 20 minutes (as instructed) Captain Dan let it set for a mere 20 seconds. Hilarity did not ensue.

Captain Dan stuck the apparatus to his apparatus and it immediately stuck fast. The result was a hearty laugh for the audience, and utter mortification and a trip to the emergency room for Captain Dan. The vacuum cleaner declined to comment.

The second ooh-inducing story of the week involves my hometown of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. An apparently rabid OU fan – or at least someone who really doesn’t like the Longhorns – assaulted a man wearing a UT T-shirt in a bar in downtown OKC by grabbing him by the clock weights.

Victim Brian Thomas went into a bar wearing a Longhorn T-shirt. His assailant, Allen Michael Beckett, took exception to Thomas’s attire and started to “talk trash,” according to reports. After about 20 minutes, Thomas decided he’d had enough of Beckett’s Sooner hospitality. When he tried to leave, Beckett allegedly grabbed him by the boys and refused to let go.

Now, in some bars, that might be an invitation to dance, but in an Oklahoma City sports bar, it can safely be interpreted as an act of aggression. Thomas punched Beckett repeatedly, but Beckett kept his death grip on Thomas’s meat and two veg until several bar patrons intervened.

The assault resulted in a trip to the ER for Thomas, and 60 stitches to repair the family coin purse. Or at least he claims it was 60 – but he is a guy, and he is from Texas.