Fashion (or whatever it is you call the ugly clothes, haircuts, etc., that we subject ourselves to at any given time) is a funny thing. You never know what fad’s going be popular or how long it will stick around. Much like house guests, most fashions hang around too long (unlike house guests, however, they are unlikely to treat you to dinner).

Goatees are a good example of questionable fashion. Almost everybody I know (most of them men) has a goatee. It wasn’t always this way; there once was a time when the goatee was rare, and it really said something about the wearer. Unfortunately, what it said was, “I’m a tool; please mock me.” Today, the goatee still makes a statement – it tells the world either: a) I am a long-dead Viennese psychoanalyst, or b) that I am a graying hipster dufus in a losing battle against encroaching middle age and its attendant irrelevance. So, do I have a goatee? Do you even need to ask?

Another example is those long shorts (or short long pants) you see on both men and women. These used to be called capris or, when I was a kid, clam-diggers. Like most fashions, these have come full circle, and they look no less ridiculous for having made the journey. Growing up as I did in Oklahoma, I could never figure out why people needed special pants for digging clams. The only digging for seafood I can remember is hacking out a box of fish sticks when my mom was defrosting the freezer.

But the biggest head-scratcher in today’s fashion, the one I truly do not get, is camouflage. That motley stuff that was once the exclusive garb of hunters and snipers is now fashionable for wearing anywhere. Duck blind or outlet mall, no matter – camouflage is big.

In rural areas, where a lot of folks are hunters, it’s not surprising to see folks dressed in “cammies.” But the city is a different story. Everywhere you look, you see people who, for no apparent reason, are kitted out like they’re auditioning for a part in “Sands of Iwo Jima.” Maybe we’re supposed to believe that they just stopped at Starbucks for provisions – a double skinny latte, a cranberry muffin and a New York Times – and then they’re hopping in the Beamer and going straight to the deer stand.

Another thing I don’t understand – camouflage in weird colors. Your stereotypical stuff is shades of green and brown, which is perfect for hiding in the woods. And the tan and brown make sense if you’re trying to go unnoticed in the desert. But I’ve seen color combinations that would work only if the wearer were trying to hide in a Lava Lamp store.

And here’s a word of caution to you ladies and gents of size: camouflage is designed to make thing less noticeable, but swaddling your caboose in woodland-pattern sweat pants has just the opposite effect; you might as well wear a bumper sticker that says “I heart Krispy Kreme.”