Forget hijackings, shoe bombers and even airplane bathrooms – the truly terrifying news from the world of air travel is that a German tourist firm will soon allow tourists to fly naked.

It’s true. Travel agency OssiUrlaub.de recently said it would start taking bookings for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom. The price? About $735.

You may remember the old United Airlines tagline, “Fly the friendly skies.” I’m OK with friendly, but “Fly the pale and hairy skies” doesn’t work for me, and for good reason. It has long been my most steadfast belief that people who will get naked in public, shouldn’t. In fact, most of them shouldn’t get naked in private, either, come to think of it. But in a plane, where I don’t even want my seatmate’s arm touching me? I don’t think so.

And call me squeamish but I won’t even sit fully clothed on a hotel-room bedspread. And someone thinks I’m going to rest my head on a pillow that might have recently been getting up-close and personal with der Grossenbutte? No, thanks – and you can keep that DNA swab you call a blanket, too.

Also, 700 bucks for such a short flight seems a bit steep. "It's expensive, I know," agency director Enrico Hess said. "It's because the plane's very small. There's no real reason why a flight in which one flies naked should be more expensive than any other." No kidding – who’s going to pay more to be crammed into a small metal tube with a bunch of naked, beer-swilling vacationers? The airline ought to be paying me.

Passengers must remain clothed until they board, and dress before they get off, said Hess. That’s only fair; after all, the passengers knew what they were getting into when they signed up. But to traumatize innocent standers-by in the terminal? I think that’s banned under the Geneva Conventions. On the other hand, allowing them to strip down before they get on the plane would sure speed up the pre-flight security check. I mean, who’s going to get close enough to frisk them?

Hess is quick to emphasize that his agency’s offer isn’t weird or anything; far from it, according to him. "I don't want people to get the wrong idea. We're a perfectly normal holiday company." Perfectly normal – except for the, you know, flying naked part.

Naturism, or "free body culture" (FKK) as it is known in Germany, is a big deal there. Hess from the tourist agency said, "There are FKK hotels where you can go into the restaurants naked." That would be a boon to dieters, I suppose – a room full of naked holiday-makers would sure put the brakes on my appetite. In fact, the mere thought makes me throw up in my mouth (“Gerpuken en mein Cakenholen”) a little.