Like a lot of people, I have a bad habit of not being thankful for what I have. Far too often I am so busy concentrating on those few things I don’t have that I blind myself to the countless things I do have. Sure, my life isn’t perfect, but it’s close. I’m pretty healthy (considering the shape I’m in); I have a loving wife who spoils me rotten; I have tons of friends; plus, I have a great barber and a reliable mechanic. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Suffice it to say that, by any man’s standards, I have it made.

And if these blessings were not enough convince me of my great good fortune, surely this one is: no one has ever stolen my penis.

Now, you may be wondering why I would even bring up such an outlandish subject. I mean, this isn’t like the urban legend where the guy wakes up in a hotel bathtub full of ice and discovers that one of his kidneys has been stolen. And although cops routinely publish lists of automobiles that are most popular among car thieves, I have never seen a “Top 10” list of heisted appendages (and frankly, even if they did, I doubt that a high-mileage ’54 would even crack the top 100).

The reason I bring this up is because of an article I read in the paper last week. The article said that police in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's capital city, have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers who are accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises.

If you’re like me, you’re wondering why would someone want to steal a penis? Having owned one for as long as I can remember, I can attest that a penis is sort of like a motorcycle – a lot of fun, but a lot of trouble if you don’t pay attention (not that lack of attention is an issue for most men). Turns out the thefts were an attempt to extort cash – sort of a willie-napping. Man, I’d love to see that ransom note.

The article said that reports of so-called “penis snatching” are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur. This is a relief – at first reading, I thought they were referring to my HMO.

The victims told police that “sorcerers” simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear. This makes me wonder about my doctor, because a similar thing happens to me every time I go in for a physical. Maybe the “sorcerers” just have cold hands.

I wish I could report that this wave of penis-napping and subsequent bloodshed was a fluke, but apparently it not. A decade ago, 12 suspected penis snatchers in Ghana were beaten to death by angry mobs; 27 suspects were subsequently released. No explanation was given, but I’m tempted to say that the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.